Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in thraine's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, October 10th, 2009
1:08 am	Can't please them all WARNING, INCOMING SMATTERING OF RANDOM COLLECTED THOUGHTS There is nothing worse than feeling insecure and doubting about yourself and how you have affected your relationship with your friends. You don't mean to hurt them or make them feel put out. Nor ignore them or handle things in a horrible way. It just happens I guess. You try to be the best friend you can, but sometimes you fail. Or in some cases you fail to the umpteenth degree. Its not that you do it on purpose, its just that when your shit starts stacking and you can't seem to shovel it fast enough to make it not a problem things happen. So why is it so easy to get things confused and turned around in our heads? One moment you can be secure in your friends and yourself. Then the next, it seems things get turned around. You don't know where you stand or why you feel this way. Did I alienate myself or am I being alienated? Do I ask put my feelings forward to be scrutinized and possibly mocked or do I hold them inside and put on the facade of normality? Maybe since I am used to be stable this all seems weird and new to me. Instead of a mountain sturdy and strong on a large plot of land, I feel like a floating island in constant fear that I may turn over and sink never to resurface, lost to the vast ocean of life. I think this may be the last post in this journal for a long while or it might be the start of a mass amount of posting. I just feel I have to write stuff down or keep it bottled inside. We shall see what tomorrow brings. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 24th, 2009
10:46 pm	Contemplative I sit here, typing paragraph after paragraph and then deleting it. Its like I find something interesting to say, that is like a awesome metaphor for what is going on in my life then I think better of it and delete it. Why do you ask? Because when I read it I feel the emo in me leap and slap me in the face. SO, I delete the paragraph and start over. I think I am on remake 30 at the moment. So, life its going most interestingly, going to be taking a trip to England soon as I can. Fucking passports are a bitch to get. GGRRRRRR. Strong chance I will be moving out there. My friends Walter and Dio are great people willing to put up with me and my randomness. On top of that, school there is nearly free. I was like, Seriously?? They then inform me that's the way it works here. I was astounded at that. What a idea, a educated populace. Who would of thought. Anyway, so I am scrambling to get as much money together as soon as I can to the hell out of this place. I am thinking of like early late November, or early January. It depends on my current job situation. But yah, life definitely has taken a turn for the more interesting. YAAAYYYY. Currently really buzzed at the moment, I blame my friends in England. Damn time difference and me not being in the UK. LOL. So, why is it when alcohol is introduced into the human brain it tends to make people think about thinks they usually don't want to think about? Is alcohol that strange liquid that forces us to confront and then forget those things? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that when it does make us think about life it tends to bring up only the depressing parts and its consequences. Why can't they invent a alcohol that is a upper and not a downer? Cause alcohol is actually considered a depressant. Wouldn't it be great if the pharmaceutical companies came up with a upper alcohol? What would it go for? What should it taste like? Is it a mixer or is it a straight kinda thing? What would it be called? I think I would call it Shitskee. Make it come from Russia. The moto would be, when life gos to shit, make it a Shitskee. In soviet Russia you take Shitskee, Shitskee doesn't take you. LOL. Maybe make it a blue color, a bright iridescent blue that looks like something from a start trek bar. Ah the things I come up with when I am buzzed. Maybe I should do standup comedy when I go to England. Wouldn't that be interesting. I think I would do something like "The Stupid tourist": So, I cam to England thinking I spoke the same language. I meen, we both speak English right? WRONG. Man I REALLY miss informed when everyone said English is the universal language. Whats that you say? Do I want a Biscuit? Sure. *looks at cookie* I thought you said I was getting a biscuit. What the fuck do you meen this is a biscuit? This is a cookie! AAAHHHHh!!! How about this, our peace sign is a reverse fuck you sign in Europe. I can see it now, hippys walking around giving the peace sign and everyone just looking at them wondering wtf they are doing. "Is he trying to flip me off or is he heavily medicated?" Oh, how about the phrases that make absolutely no sense to me. Had a guy tell me to Jog on the other day, I thought he was calling me fat. *look down at stomach* I know I'm a American but dude, calling me fat is a low blow. Then he told me Sod off. I was like, WOW, I didn't know you English where so into gardening. First he insult me by calling me fat and then he go's the extra mile with insulting my gardening skills. *holds hands in the air like trying not to offend* Ok there govner I will be on my way. Let me just jog home and fix my lawn. The term tosser did throw me a bit. First time I heard it I thought it was a compliment. *puffs up chest* Yah thats right, I'm a tosser. *flexes muscle* Thats right I'll toss you right out the door. Then I looked it up on what it really meant, *deflate chest* Ok, basically he was calling me a jerk off. I meen, I can understand wanker cause I meen, even in the US we know it meens to jerkoff. But tosser? I guess we will just have to chock it up to language difference. But yah something like that. Anyway, I think I have worked out most of my isses for the night. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 15th, 2009
2:49 pm	things I been thinking They say that time is the greatest healer, that it helps to mend all wounds. I find this to not be true. Time is that elusive element that seems to toy with us all. At sometimes it speeds along at a mind numbing pace, at other spaces it seems to grind to a halt. It helps us to smooth over the issues and pains we feel. Then its cruel sibling reality comes by and pokes the soft spots reminding us that time may help to sooth us but not heal. To heal you have to confront what is hurting you, to own it, to accept it, to integrate it, to DEAL with it. To many of us wear our wounds for all to see as a badge, constantly keeping them open, poking the soft tissue underneath, to feel the sensation of pain that we think makes us feel alive. Then on the other side there are others that just emotionally medicate themselves to not feel the pain. To reject the pain they feel and pretend it doesn't exist. They put on the stone mask of stoicism to hide behind it, so when others look at them they see strength, but when they look at the mirror they can hide behind the mask from themselves saying it doesn't matter. People deal with everything in different manners and some of us just don't deal at all. Some of us heap on guilt where guilt is not necessary and others sluff it off thinking they are not to blame. Self responsibility is a sticky wicket. On the one hand we are told to have a healthy amount of it, but on the other hand they don't really teach us how much is unhealthy. Which leads to people with a marter complex and others with the guiltless mentality. Marters try to take to much onto themselves, to take responsibility for things that no one in their right or wrong mind should think is their fault or responsibility. "Its my fault, I should of done something. I should of done(insert act of something). I should of (insert another act of something)." Then we have the guiltless, the ones who think nothing is their fault and everything is done to them. "My boss hates me thats why I got fired." Where they overlook the fact they where late all the time. Those types of things. I think what I am getting at is we are all flawed. We need to admit it, own it, and move on. We don't need to dwell on it. We don't need to obsess about it. We don't need to ignore it. We just need to realize that it just is. Some things can be worked on and some of them have to be accepted. It is life and life continues on. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Black Lab - This Night (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 13th, 2009
3:29 pm	Something I made so I finally got access to a wood lathe a few day ago and so I made a 16 inch wand made of Brazilian Rose wood. I am starting to make them for the local Pagan Book store. Not bad for my first try at the lathe in almost 10 years (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 2nd, 2009
9:02 pm	Camping Trip So I just got back from my yearly family camping trip. I have to say it was pretty cool. Although fairly short. Lots of food, lots of people lots of mayhem and drinking. Granted I had nothing to drink while most of them had lots of beer but I still managed to get a good time in. Everyone was all smiles and encouragement. I havn't seen a lot of them in at least a year. My cousin Bradly has a baby boy who's name is Ocean. My cousin Kristen has a baby boy named Chase. Everyone else is planning on when to have them in the next few years. It felt kinda weird being there without Ruby though. Since the last family camping trip I was there with her in the same tent. Not to mention being around all the couples did bring her to the fore front of my brain a lot. *shrug* Its good to have family who care. I also massaged like half of my family while I was there. Since I mentioned I am going to try to go to massage school. They all pretty much agreed I found my calling after I was done with them. :) Looks like I won't have any problem getting my hours in on people when I go to school. WOOT Anyway long story short this weekend was great. I got to see my family and I got to hold my baby second cousins. Its all good (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 18th, 2009
10:18 am	Good/Bad Dream Last night had a dream where Ruby and I had talked again. We argued and cryed and screamed and laughed. Eventually we got back to a state where we could converse openly. Then after much talking we had to head out to a field to talk to get away from everyone. There we talked for a little while and played a affectionate game of chase. When I caught her and held her in my arms I felt like I was back home. We hugged and kissed but then she said something interesting. She said "My mother is going to be pissed I just got a new boyfriend." I woke up. I just wish I could stop caring. It would make life so much easier. I chock this up to I still would like to have contact with her. I spent 5 years of my life with that woman and I still love her. I always will. I'm confused, hurt, and frustrated by this dream. I don't even know where to start on wtf is going on in my head. This is why I sometimes thought death would be a easier fix than leaving her. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 20th, 2009
12:55 pm	... I'm treading wilderness of least traveled ways. Hacking and slashing to fine my own way. Tho the may be thick and its slow going, I THRIVE AND I WILL LIVE!!!!!! BATTERED AND BEATEN CHOCKED AND CONFORMED DEATH AND DESTRUCTION ENRAGED AND ENGORGED FAITHFUL AND FLAWED GOOD AND GROTESQUE HERO AND HEATHEN INTERPRET AND INFLECT Built upon the tomb of my eternal soul For here I am free, For here it is closed Trespass is sacred Blasphemy unfolds the death of the new the rebirth of the old (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 26th, 2009
12:54 am	Sitting on a porch at a party as a observer you notice lives little opera. People going about their lives living the life oblivious to everythring around them running the rat race that is their lives. You get that cheese, you run that maze. I feel like the scientist who wishes sometimes that he could be a rat and not notice the maze. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 12th, 2009
10:37 pm	Life I see life through my different eyes. I hold and watch the colors as they go by. I feel the sense of loss as the images fade from my view. The taint of humanity already corrupting the memory. Forever locked inside my mind to be twisted and warped like the pages of a book over time. Oh how the mortal experience can move us to and frow. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 8th, 2008
5:33 pm	Eroding What does a mountain lean on for support when its foundations start to erode?? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
10:20 am	Sorry it took me so long So after more than a year I am making a post. Well to let everyone know the wedding happened. It was freaking awsome. Granted I was fairly buzzed the whole time I still managed to stager around enough to greet everyone and dance with my beautiful bride. As for life it go's. Not good not bad but somewhere in the middle. Well its opening time at the store. Later (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 4th, 2007
2:04 am	Change of plans Ok to everyone in the know about my wedding in october its not going to happen. Due to events we could not for see or control we are forced to wait even longer for the wedding. Everyone involved can call my cell to find out whats up and such. I am now going to go hopefully relieve some stress so I can go sleep. L8r (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
2:00 pm	You scored as Black Beard. When you finally die and enter Hell, the devil will hand over his reign and bow. </td> Black Beard 100% Captain James T. Hook 75% Long John Silvers 67% Mary Read 58% Captain Jack Sparrow 33% Sinbad 33% Will Turner 17% Dread Pirate Roberts 17% Morgan Adams 17% Captain Barbosa 8% What kind of Pirate are you? created with QuizFarm.com (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
3:04 am	I Am A: Lawful Evil Elf Mage Alignment: Lawful Evil characters believe that a nice, orderly system of life is perfect for them to abuse for their own advancement. They will work within 'the system' to get the best that they can for themselves. Race: Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance. Primary Class: Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this. Secondary Class: Monks are strange and generally not understood by the world at large. They live apart from people, and follow strict codes that restrain their behavior and lifestyle. They have an exceptionally calm outlook on life, and generally do not resort to violence unless absolutely necessary. Even when they do, their code of conduct forbids the use of all weapons - except their hands. As such, monks are extremely skilled at hand-to-hand combat, and no other style. Deity: Velsharoon is the Neutral Evil god of necromancy, liches, and undeath. He is also known as the Vaunted, the Archmage of Necromancy, and the Lord of the Forgotten Crypt. His followers practice the necromantic arts, and raise the dead to do their bidding. His symbol is a crowned skull. Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail) (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
12:52 pm	Click here. Take the quiz. Post your results. ( See Thraine's results. ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
3:59 am	Tired of Mediocrity (Its my turn to bitch) Why is it when I try to get something to move in a direction it starts out ok, then its gets kinda rocky but ok then it starts to go up a incline and slows down. Then it stops and starts rolling backward right back to where I started?? This is the way almost everything for the last 4 months has been. For instance, I think I am cursed to loose drummers. My current drummer for my band moved home for at least 3 months. Dosn't know if he is going to come back. Well the rest of the band instead of looking for a replacement just wants to wait the 3 months and see what happens. On top of all of this they only want to practice once a week or once every other week. And on top of that, they still want me to pay most of the bill for our practice space. *pulling hair out* Another example of things going backwards: I sell almost $5000 in sales in the last 2 weeks and ontop of that another $5000 thursday for a custom drum set and my hours where cut to 15 hours a week. WTF??!?!?! Do you know how hard it is to live off of $250 every couple weeks. All I have to say is I love my wife to be even more through all of this. Why can't things go like I want them to? *sigh* Why can't I just go back to working at a job that pays me good money with a heafty pay check and playing music back in garberville??? I just want my old band and my old income back. I feel chocked and confined here. Its dead ends everywhere I turn and the walls are getting smaller. I need a change. I need something to happen. And I need it soon. I don't know what I will do if I can't shake this feeling of helplessness. All my creative energys are spent on things I can't stand fully behind. I am stuck in a job that is full of has been musicians that want me to be the same way. I am surrounded by people who say married is the death of my music and creativity. Its like soon as I get some ground the dying grab hold of my and try to drag me back down to where they are. All I got to say is where is my chainsaw and shotgun??? Until the next time, Tim Est sularos oth mithas Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Maggot Twat - I wanna get laid (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 28th, 2006
12:57 pm	Hello everyone long time no c. Yes I know I don't post much but hey at least I am posting. So life go's well, band gos ok. Writing lots of new material though. If your wondering my last post was a partial of some lyrics I am writing for a song. Just kinda came to me. As for my living situation its awsome. Ruby couldn't be better. We are planning the wedding out bit by bit. We are thinking next year in october for our wedding. Not sure on the date but we will let you all know when we can. The theme is going to be fall. Going to be all sorts of reds, oranges, browns, and all sorts of things like that. Not sure as to where in humboldt to have the wedding yet. Trying to find a good spot. Preferably outside if we can. God I didn't know planning a wedding was going to be so much work. So far the guest list is around 150 but I know we are going to probably hit almost 200. Due to people showing up and such. Cause you can't remember everybody so don't feel bad if I forget to invite you. Just remind me next yearish. By then I should be good and stressed out of my mind. Anyway back to my music. I need some input on the lyrics below. Let me know what you think of them. Not sure if I am going to keep them or not. Soon as I get our websight up I will post it up here. Until then talk to you all later Tim Est Sularos oth mithas (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 27th, 2006
1:10 pm	Deepest of Tormet and darkest of desires set me free from the labrynth of my own mind Let the blood wash away from these tainted hands for this soul is tortured to walk marked amoung the damned For we all have sinned and fell short of our selves the sins of our fathers have soiled our souls The blood of the many the choice of a few for duty for honour for love of you (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 25th, 2006
4:02 am	HOLY SHIT!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! I AM UPDATING And why am I updating you ask? To let all my friends know that I Tim Ward, as of last night about 9:00pm got engaged. Yep thats right boys and girls I asked Ruby to marry me. I have been planing this since december. The careful plotting and scheming paid off. She said YES!!!!! *Does the happy dance furiously* HELL YAH!!!!! *clear throat* In other news I have my new band up and running. Name of the band is Tarasque. I have 12 songs complete our first performance is going to be in June at Brogi's in Eureka. Making web page as we speak and going to be posting it online as soon as I get some web space. Needless to say I have been really fucken buissy. After I have collected my thoughts and come down off of being completely giddy I will write again. Until then TIm Est Sularos oth mithas (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 21st, 2006
1:01 am	BAND!!!!!!! Its been a very long while since i updated thought I would actually type something out. I finally have a band. Still looking for bassist and drummer but its a band none the less. WOOT!!! Been writing shit like crazy. No name, no real sub catagory of metal just playing whatever we can make. Looks like I will be playing lead in this band. I shall be updating more often now that my computer is back to being completely happy. In other news Going to be promoted to assistant manager in a couple months. YAH. Its good to be a manager at a music store. Just don't know how I am going to tell ruby I am not going to have any money. I keep spending it at the store. *sigh* Thankfully she's understanding. Just got back from watching underworld evolution. All I have to say it HELL YAH. Bad ass sex scene. The rest of the movie is good to but man what a sex scene. I was like Mahagony. BAM! I think every guy in the theatre had to cover his lap. Anyway I have to get going. I am being summoned. If anyone knows a bassist and drummer please point them in my direction. 4967115 Tim Est Sularos oth mithas (My honor is my life) (2 Comments |Comment on this)